the absurd observers

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Time to update that resume, Gumbi


According to CNN, Furbies are back, and they're working at the UN:
Another noteworthy but less controversial "ambassadorial" appointment made a
United Nations' debut Tuesday when Hasbro marked the return of the new
multi-lingual Furby to a group of young international "delegates-in-training" in
New York.

This marks the highest position the a toy - animatronic or otherwise - has achieved in American politics, unless you're one of those people who thinks that Tom DeLay is the product of an expriment intended to create an evil Beanie Baby. The official position of the Furbies is unclear, but the picture shows a number of Furbies at what appears to be a security council meeting, so, at worst, they are important advisors to John Bolton.

The news has sparked interest in the role that other toys might play in America's political future. I suggest a few intriguing possibilities:
  1. In the "spin alleys" after presidential debates, have the news teams interview muppets instead of real people. This would add credibility to the message candidates try to espouse. America trusts muppets, except for that hipster Gonzo. I wouldn't trust him to remember which candidate he was even working for. Puppets would work too, but muppets would add some pizzaz - maybe they'd do a few songs or help us with the alphabet or counting numbers during the down time.
  2. Nominate the Magic 8 ball to Press Secretary. It would lead to some interesting back and forths. Q: "Secretary EightBall, what is the President's position on the Highway Bill?" A: "Inconclusive." Q: "Secretary EightBall, how many countries have ratified CAFTA?" A: "You're in luck." Q: "Secretary EightBall, when asked if Rove was involved in the Plame scandal, you said: 'No way', why did you say that?" A: "You betcha!"
  3. Replace John Bolton with a Tickle Me Elmo. First, my guess is that Elmo would work better with the Furbies, and we need an efficient team at the UN. Second, if a primary strategy of America's is to keep policy and plans close to the vest, Tickle Me Elmo is most suited for the position. Other delegates would have to interpret various giggling noises in order to discern our intentions. Moreover, everyone likes Tickle Me Elmo to such an extent, that they would not block American initiatives.


  • “The UN Charter is fundamentally a political, not a legal document. On finances it amounts to little more than an ‘agreement to agree.’”
    – Op-ed in the Los Angeles Times, April 13, 1997

    By Anonymous Kira Zalan, at 3:55 PM  

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