the absurd observers

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Super-Duper Size me

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A restaurant in Pennsylvania is now serving a 15 pound burger:
Dennis Liegey, the owner of Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, 120 northeast
of Pittsburgh, said the "Beer Barrel Belly Buster" weighs in with 10 pounds of
meat molded into a 20-inch patty on a specially baked, 17-inch bun.

I'm glad that they mention that the bun is "specially baked", because I was slightly worried that if I ordered the burger it would come out on a hot dog bun.

This gargnatuan burger raises the question: who will eat such a burger? I, of course, have already put together a short list:
  1. Actors and actresses that want to gain weight. The surest way to win an award is to ugly up or gain weight. Now, thespians could be one step closer to an Oscar after one meal. After two meals, they might look like the girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that chews the wrong gum.
  2. Competitive Eaters. These people eat between 30-50 hot dogs in a matter of minutes. One 15 pound burger is wind sprint to these thoroughbreds. (When will competitive eaters be as acclaimed as other great athletes? When will society respect the fast twitch fat of the stomach as much as the fast twitch muscle of the leg? When will the strategy behind shoving hot dogs down one's gullet be as revered as a quaterback identifying a defense in a football game?)
  3. Elvis impersonators. If you could change from skinny Elvis to fat Elvis in the same day, you would have a more versatile performance range. No longer would impersonators have to slog through fried PB and Banana sandwiches for months. Plus, if this burger was around while Elvis was alive, I'm sure he'd have eaten it.
  4. World leaders. This restaurant would be the home to many a successful summit. Centuries of conflict could be settled as two leaders shared a gigantic slab of beef, cheese, and shredded lettuce. Smaller feuds could be settled over the Belly Buster as well. Maybe Tom DeLay could take out the Democrats on the House Ethics Committee, and they could all share the burger, compliments of Jack Abramoff.

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