the absurd observers

Monday, April 04, 2005

Donuts show signs of life


Krispy Kreme received $225 million in financing to pay off some loans. For those of you that do not follow the donut industry, this is indeed good news. CNNMoney explained that now that these financial difficulties are adequately postponed, the company can return to its roots:
"With more liquidity and no near-term payment deadlines, we look forward to
getting back to the business of selling doughnuts and coffee," President and
Chief Operating Officer Steve Panagos said in a statement.

Normally I would not intervene with any biting sarcasm, ridiculous suggestions, or non-biting sarcasm, but when someone messes with donuts, I feel the need to be heard.

Donut companies - like pizza companies and anyone that makes chili cheese fries - have a duty to stay afloat. Why? Because America needs donuts. Donuts and America have a history together. They are the classic snack of the everyman. There very existence is ridiculous. Saying the word "donut" makes me smile. It is kind of like saying the word "jello". I think of jelly-filled, powdered, sprinkle-topped, with icing, krullers, and donut holes. There is something about donuts that can't quite be nailed down - a je ne se quois of donuts that seems comical.
Their roundness inspires metaphysical debate at breakfast tables around the country. Their synergistic relationship with coffee has propelled the bean-based hot drink well in front of the leaf-based tea drink of Europe. Donuts teach us about restraint: "I guess if I had only eaten 4 donuts, I wouldn't have ripped the elastic on my pants." Donuts teach us about diversity: "I usually only eat the jelly donuts, but I branch out to the icing variety if they have sprinkles". There is a saying: "You can't trust a man that doesn't know his donuts." It seems that only frighteningly skinny people dislike donuts, and that's probably more of a jealousy thing.

When I think of people solving problems and overcoming differences, I think of them meeting over donuts. Nothing would be as disarming as watching a rival squirt jelly onto his face as he bites into a powdered donut at a conference table. I could see Tom Delay and Ted Kennedy eating donuts together, both realizing maybe they were not too different, with jelly piled on their shirts, powder on their ties and fingers sticky from the glaze.


  • But despite its aforementioned capacity for inspiring brotherhood and the cooperative spirit, the donut still remains the fatty scapegoat of the breakfast food industry. Never to bask in the glow of Atkins-approved low-carb alternatives, the donut is doomed to forever be pictured in the "What's Not Hot" column in women's magazines, encircled in shameful red and linked to cellulite deposits of fearsome dimensions. Will the donut ever escape its carby rep to be revered as the edible peace-pipe that it is? Sadly, this reader predicts not. And so, young Jansen, you must continue the struggle to liberate the donut! Onward Christian Soldiers! -jdk

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:16 AM  

  • JDK,
    Good point. However, it is precisely the bad boy image of the donut that cements its legacy both in our stomachs and the breakfast pastry industry. The donut is not a scapegoat, but rather a digestable James Dean of the morning.

    By Blogger Dan J, at 10:02 AM  

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