the absurd observers

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Tasting one's own medicine

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News agencies report that IBM has software that will return spam back to its source. This has obviously excited the thirst for revenge that has been gnawing at many of us since Al Gore created this thing called the internet. The idea of a spammer getting spammed really tickles the "I'll show you" part of our brain which is contiguous with the "You want it? You got it" part of our brain. Now, that the synapses in the revenge part of my brain have been activated, I feel the need for more. So here are my suggestions for products, protocols, and practices that will make us feel like there is a little justice in the world:
  1. A smart cigarette. Every time you take a drag, smoke enters the lungs of tobacco executives. Why should they be worried? It's not like cigarettes are addictive or harmful. Right? I know this sounds difficult, what with the physical impossibility and all, but maybe we're just not trying to develop this technology yet.
  2. Scientology in school textbooks. People want religious ideas about the creation of the universe in their textbooks? Fine. Unleash Travolta! Let loose Tom Cruise and the Scientologists on our school curriculum. I don't know much about scientology, but I'm sure they's have some unique sci-fi opinion on the world that would be unwelcome in the bible belt. While we're at it, we could also make room for other religions. Give everyone an equal voice in the education system. There's a crazy guy with a megaphone who mentions god occasionally that I see downtown from time to time, I bet he'd have some interesting things to say about mitosis or post-colonial nationalism. Give everyone a voice.
  3. Papparazi papparazi. Cameramen follow the cameramen. We make it a lose-lose game. No one has any more privacy. We all have someone taking pictures of us. Coupled with this scenario would be the tabloid journalist who writes about tabloid journalists.
  4. Cash plus advertisements: Businesses want to make me sit through commercials and read advertisements? Fine. When they cash my check it makes them sit through a number of commercials all about me. I want TV and I have to watch a commercial about McDonald's, so McDonald's wants my money, but they have to watch a commercial about me. Again, I have no idea how this would work. The check could actually make noise, or flash messages on it. I'm just a guy who's had too much coffee and figures if money talks, it might as well say something annoying.

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