the absurd observers

Monday, March 28, 2005

Fatty sandwich causes confusion


Burger King has unveiled a new breakfast sandwich packed with fat. Commenters, whom I guess we could call sandwich-pundits, have weighed in on the excellent earning potential of this Enormous omelet sandwich. Others, whom we could call lipiphobes, are making critical statements like the following:
"Eating like this is a step on the way to a heart attack," Fred Pescatore,
author of The Hamptons Diet told the newspaper. "It's irresponsible."

My question is: what does Fred Pescatore find irresponsible? Or, more precisely, what does the "it" mean, in "it's irresponsible"? If irresponsible means acting without the worry of being held accountable, then the meaning of "it" takes on great importance.

The ambiguity of the pronoun has created a number of possibilities. If Pescatore meant "eating like this" is irresponsible, he is just plain wrong. People who eat the sandwich would be held accountable for their actions by their circulatory systems, and thus they would not be irresponsible. Additionally, if Pescatore meant BK was irresponsible, this would also be incorrect. If BK starts serving meals that kill people, they will lose loyal customers, and thus BK will be held accountable for their actions. (I'm not saying BK hasn't conducted some cost/benefit analysis on this issue, I merely point out that the action will have repercussions.)

Therefore, Pescatore must surely mean that it is the enormous omelet sandwich itself that is irresponsible. And that I agree with. The sandwich will not be held accountable for its fattiness. The sandwich will not be held accountable for its tastiness. Furthermore, I think this special treatment must stop.

It's time we stop blaming companies and people, and time we start blaming the actual objects that hurt us. Sandwiches, cigarettes, and beer are the real culprits. Inanimate objects have existed in a world without justice for too long. The irresponsibility of sandwiches, the smugness of cigarettes, and the downright hubris of beer must end now. Join me in a campaign to end the tyranny of pizza and the cruelty of donuts. Stand up and claim your right to exact revenge on a pint of ice cream.

Justice: its not just for people anymore.


  • Dan, Dan, Dan,
    While your analysis is correct, I feel it does not go far enough. You see these inanimate objects are all also consumer products but since they lack any anima they can not be blamed. Since they are consumer products, I feel that we should stop the real menace: consumers. For too long, have these people been allowed to purchase things they want without someone standing up to their oppression. How dare they be able to buy a big sandwich at a cheap price.

    By Anonymous Tree, at 12:59 AM  

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