the absurd observers

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

How to save Amtrak


Amtrak, always in need of cash, regularly gets huge subsidies from the federal government. Politicians, train enthusiasts, and people who like to flatten coins are all trying to find a solution.

Look no further.

The answer, good readers, is slot machines. Now, I know what you're thinking, "this guy wants people to gamble on a train? What if people lose big and toss themselves out the window?" And that concern is precisely why I suggest slot machines: they let you lose at a steady pace, rather than the fast, heartbreaking 3 minute nest egg destruction that can take place in blackjack or craps.

People are willing to drive for hours, stay up late, socialize with others that haven't showered, and avoid sunlight for days just to gamble. Why not let people gamble on the train? Gambling would both provide a new way to draw more revenue from the people on the train and also persuade more people to choose train travel in the first place.

Trains would become cool. "What happens on Amtrak stays on Amtrak." Perhaps some shows to go with the slots: Newton, Tony Orlando, maybe Tito Jackson. I just don't see a downside. Amtrak could give free train tickets to big winners in the hopes that they'd lose it all on their next trip. There could be special poker trains or Celine Dion trains. I think it's a winner.


  • Great idea, Dan.

    By Anonymous Anne Marie, at 4:48 PM  

  • Anne Marie,
    If you continue reading the blog regularly you will find that I see gambling as the cure to many of society's ills.

    Gambling, unhealthy eating, and karaoke. These are the secrets to our problems. But all this will become evident as the blog rolls along...

    By Blogger Dan J, at 5:42 PM  

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