the absurd observers

Friday, February 18, 2005

Bowler hats and debtor's prison

So, the NYT reports that Merck is thinking about putting Vioxx back on the market, despite health concerns.

I think this brings up an interesting issue. What are some other things that have been discontinued, recalled, or even merely forgotten that we should think about bringing back?

1. Debtor's prison. When people owe me money and never settle up, it makes me angry. I think that if they were thrown in a debtor's prison, then I would feel better and probably not even want the money anymore. Plus it would cut down on traffic during rush hour.

2. Bowler hats. Because people look more interesting when there's the possibility that their heads are perfectly round.

3. The L.A. Gear Catapult. This shoe was banned in the NBA because it was considered a machine. When the wearer jumped a mini catapult propelled the wearer higher into the air! This idea was genius. We need more shoes that incorporate medieval weapons. Maybe a Nike Hot Vat of Oil shoe or a Puma Battering Ram.

4. Anthony Mason on the Knicks. Not a week went by without some Anthony Mason sightings reported over the radio when he played on the Knicks, usually to the tune of: "Then this huge guy with a small head came charging out of the bar with a crazy look in his eye." Entertaining. Crazy. Pea head. Need I say more?

5. Simon. The game of flashing lights, reflexes, and beeping noises. It was fun, it was frustrating, and it flew under the government's radar despite its obvious obscenity.

6. The nickname "Lefty". There was a time when everyone left-handed was nicknamed Lefty. Now, however, I know many people that are left-handed and none of them go by Lefty. I propose that if lefties don't want the Lefty name, then righties should be able to use Lefty, the same way that fat guys can be called "Slim" or people with innie belly buttons can be called "Outtie".

7. Press Your Luck. Now that was a game show. It immortalized the words, "No whammies, no whammies. Big bucks. Big bucks!"

8. Stan Jones. The Libertarian candidate for Senator in Montana that took colloidal silver in 1999 for fear of Y2K leading to a shortage of antibiotics. He turned blue from the silver! Blue! And he doesn't have his own reality tv show yet? That's a crime. Trump has the Apprentice. Give Stan "the Silversmith". See

9. People that spin plates on sticks. Maybe they're still out there?

10. Claymation. Forget digital cartoons and give me claymation. It was the first trip a kid could take into surreal art. Watching Gumby walk down the street was like looking at the work of Salvador Dali. Even a 26 year old is a little frightened of Gumby, and yet still strangely calmed by his slanted head. Claymation would remind us that we could make spaghetti out of clay, and that would be worth it in of itself.


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